How to use EFT to get beyond “I’m right and you’re wrong”

I'm right and you're wrong

Image courtesy of jon collier

When I was a teenager I always wanted to be right and for everyone to know that I was right.

I would argue my point of view ‘seven ways till Sunday’ to prove that I was right and even if it didn’t start as an argument it frequently became one.

Now when I look back on it I see an anxious teenager desperate to be taken seriously. Back then, I put a lot of effort into what must have been very tiresome for everyone I was attempting to prove ‘wrong’.

I like to think that I am over that teenage phase but from time to time I seem to find myself needing to be right.

Of course if you need to be right the other person needs to be wrong, you can’t both be right.

If you have ever been treated as the person who is wrong then you’ll know that it’s not a fun position to be in. Your own needs to be heard and respected can be pushed to one side.

If I need to be right then it can cause a lot of stress and lead to conflict. From the point of view of the person who thinks they are right:

  • If I am right then the other person is wrong.
  • If they disagree with my point of view then I need to defend it, to make stronger arguments, speak more forcefully to convince them.
  • If they still disagree then their point of view becomes an assault on me and what I hold dear. The other person is not only wrong they are hostile towards me. They are obviously both stupid and bad and must be defeated.

For the other person, the one who is ‘in the wrong’ it’s even worse. They might think like this:

  • There they go again, they only think that they are right, but I know that they are wrong and that I am right!
  • When I tell them what they think is the ‘wrong’ side of the story they get defensive, arguing their side more loudly and more forcibly. They are trying to bully me into agreeing with them, but, in fact, I am right and they are wrong (not that they would ever admit it).
  • They can’t handle the truth, every attempt I make to show them that I am right, and they are wrong, makes them more aggressive and intransigent. They are obviously both stupid and bad and must be defeated.

On a personal level this kind of thing is not good for our relationships. On a political and geopolitical scale this escalation can have terrible consequences.

Even though I thought I’d mostly given up the “I need to be right” attitude, it still crops up from time to time (I have it on good authority that it is because I am a man!). It’s depressing and distressing to find how easily I can slip into the destructive ping-pong game of I’m right and you’re wrong.

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Do I really give therapy a bad name?

I recently found this comment by a guy called Robert Smyth posted on one of my webpages. If you read it, you will probably realise that it didn’t really fit with how I saw myself.

I thought I’d write a short answer to each of his criticisms, but it turned out to be a longer reply than I had expected.

Here’s what he said:

It’s guys like this who get therapy a bad name. There is no mention on his website of his being registered with one of the main UK accrediting body – either BACP or UKCP. Perhaps more concerning is that there is no indication on his website of the extent of his training, e.g., EFT can be learnt in a weekend, and NLP in a few months. A counselling training takes at least three years and a psychotherapy training at least four years. While he mentions that he received a counselling training it is unlikely that this would count if he were to apply to be accredited because of when he did this. Other aspects of his website are also concerning. For instance, why promote the work of someone else. If the reader did not look closely enough she could easily be mis-led into think that this was written by the website author. Also, it does not appear that he has enough experience to be presenting himself an expert on therapy which a video and self-publications indicate. Any publication that is not peer reveiwed and/or pubished by a reputative journal or publisher is highly suspect. In addition, on what basis is he setting himself up as an institute. It is clear that he does have enough experience to do this. Finally, it appears that there is more ego here than anything else, and that he wants to promote himself as a money making business. If you are a potential client reading this I strongly suggest that you go to the BACP or UKCP website to search for a therapist. BACP, for instance, have good guidelines which help people find a suitable counsellor or psychotherapist.

Obviously it’s not what I want people to be saying about me but I thought it would be worth addressing some of the questions he raises.

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Training – Special Offer Just For ‘Tappers’ Who Want To Heal The ‘Inner Child’

Identity Healing

Image courtesy of Divya Vibha Sharma

As you may know I’ve been developing a collection of processes I call Identity Healing since 2010 as a way of working with entrenched patterns of emotion and behaviour that are often installed during childhood.

These patterns are like younger versions of ourselves that come to the fore in stressful situations. If you’ve been in a challenging situation and felt as if you were a helpless child again then you know what this is like.

These younger parts of ourselves, sometimes called sub-personalities, usually formed in stressful childhood situations, are responsible for a lot of our unresourceful emotional responses and patterns of behaviour, even when we are trying hard to be a capable adult.

In standard EFT you would work with these patterns by looking for the memories of when they were formed, then neutralising them with tapping.

Since these patterns are often formed at a very early age it can be difficult to identify and process the relevant memories.

The Identity Healing processes sidestep that problem by working directly with the sub-personality that is trapped in this pattern. You don’t need to identify or work with the memories, everything that needs soothing and changing is easily available and amenable to tapping.

When I started working on these processes I was cautiously hopeful that they would be effective for healing these kind of hard to work with issues, they turned out to be much more powerful and helpful than I had imagined.

I have used this process with many clients to resolve chronic patterns of thought / feeling and behaviour that I would have found difficult to process using standard EFT approaches.

My clients have found that what used to be almost intolerably difficult situations and responses have changed completely. Katie’s story is a short but representative example of someone shifting from a ‘frightened child state’ to become a more resourceful adult.

It’s taken a long time for me to be confident enough about the effectiveness and safety of the process to want to train other people in the process.

The first training was last September, the next is in less than two weeks in Newcastle upon Tyne.

The few EFT Practitioners (so far) that I have trained in this method have also reported dramatic shifts in their clients

“I have found Andy Hunt’s training in Identity Healing a highly valuable, inspiring and enlightening learning experience, delivered by Andy with integrity, compassion, wisdom and gentle humour.

Having used this process with many clients since completing the course a few weeks ago, I am very impressed with the simplicity, elegance and effectiveness of Identity Healing approach, even with the most complex and challenging issues. I saw some surprising and significant shifts for a number of people with whom we had achieved only limited progress in previous weeks and months using psychotherapy, classic EFT, EMDR and Matrix Reimprinting.

I found Identity Healing especially useful with clients who are burdened by shame and guilt and are struggling to feel any compassion for themselves, and for those in a chronic state of self-sabotage or stuckness.”

Masha Bennett, Psychotherapist

Naturally, I want to get this process out into the world where it can do some good, but if you’ve ever tried to get something new off the ground that’s a challenge.

So far, few people have heard of it or experienced it and they only have my word for it that it’s worth using. So it can be a bit of a challenge filling training places at the start of a process’s career.

Which brings me to the purpose of this email.

There are still some places available on the next Identity Healing training on February 7th & 8th in Newcastle upon Tyne and I’d like fill the available places to give the best experience possible to the trainees and to have more good people out in the world using these techniques for themselves and their clients.

So if you are interested in learning this powerful tapping technique and since you are a reader of my newsletter I’d like to offer you a special deal.

If you sign up for the training using this link you can sign up and bring a friend for free (which is equivalent to £85 each for a full weekend’s training).

Remember this is an advanced and experiential training so both of you must have attended an EFT Level 2 training or above.

I realise this is very short notice and you may have to travel to Newcastle upon Tyne, but I will do what I can to facilitate your travel, training and accommodation.

Thanks for taking the time to read this far, if this training is the right thing for you I look forward to seeing you there.

Use this contact form if you need any more information.

 

The 1% Solution: an easy way to make big changes

Image courtesy of Richie Diesterheft

Image courtesy of Richie Diesterheft

If you are suffering from stress, anxiety, frustrations and limitations you probably want that to change, to change quickly and to change completely. The more intense the distress the more urgent the need to change feels.

So it’s not surprising that lots of advertising in the self-development / self-help world claims to “halve your stress”, “double your happiness”, “clear your limitations” within hours or days if you just buy their product or services.

But, what if you could easily make those kinds of changes by slowing down and doing less?

It may seem unlikely, but making tiny changes over time can make huge differences in your life.
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EFT Café – January 14th – What Lies Beneath Your Limiting Beliefs?

Hidden LimitationsLimiting beliefs are all the rage.

You can’t listen to a podcast or read an article about EFT without hearing about limiting beliefs and how they constrict your life.

When they are discussed you often hear about the big, in your face, limiting beliefs such as: “I’m not good enough” or “I can’t …”. There’s no doubt that beliefs like that can hold you back and slow your progress.

But what about other beliefs and rules that hold us back: the ones that like just below the surface, and the ones below them. The small but pervasive ideas that we identify with, although we are barely aware of them they cause a lot of distress and limitation.

If we could find them we could tap on them and be free of them, the question is how to find of them.

In this month’s EFT Cafe we will explore the beliefs that make our problems such problems and the beliefs below those beliefs.

The EFT Café is on Wednesday 14th January 2015 at St Oswald’s Teaching Centre, Gosforth from 7pm – 9pm and costs £10.

Note: The previous advertised EFT Cafe exploring Logosynthesis and Tapping has been indefinitely postponed

 

EFT Café – December 10th – Christmas Rehearsals

 

Image courtesy of Alex Brown

Image courtesy of Alex Brown

How do you think your Christmas is going to turn out?

Are you looking forward to happy get togethers or are you running through all the ways in which it’s could be stressful.

We are blessed and cursed with imagination.

How we use our imagination has a profound effect on how we act and respond in the situations we are imagining.

December’s EFT Café  is a presentation of a new mental rehearsal process based on EFT and NLP that will give you a way to mentally and emotionally prepare to get the best out of Christmas.

If there are bits of Christmas you’d like to do better and feel happier about then this new process is for you.

IMPORTANT: A NEW TECHNIQUE IS NOT JUST FOR CHRISTMAS!

There are probably other areas in your life where you would like to do better and feel better doing it. This process will help you do that.

The EFT Café is on Wednesday 10th December at St Oswald’s Teaching Centre, Gosforth from 7pm – 9pm and costs £10.

The Origami Process

Image courtesy of Brett Jourdan

Image courtesy of Brett Jourdan

Sometimes how we feel about things is complicated, especially when those feelings are painful.

Some emotional responses can be very difficult to shift with tapping (or anything else).

Part of the problem is that our emotional responses are seldom single or straight forward.

We have our ‘first’ feelings: sadness, anger, disgust, fear, etcetera, in response to some challenging situation.

That’s bad enough, but we may not be satisfied with having just one bad feeling, we usually have painful feelings about the ‘first’ feeling.

We could feel resigned about our sadness, ashamed about feeling angry, guilty about our disgust or afraid of our fear, and so on.

It gets worse, we can add more difficult feelings about the feeling we felt about the first feeling. Perhaps we can feel hopeless about feeling resigned about feeling sad, and so on.

Each uncomfortable feeling can be added to with another painful feeling about it. Folding the original, straightforward emotional response into a tight and painful package.

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