My Philosophy

Your current emotional problems may be the result of how you had to adapt to make it through a difficult childhood and adolescence, and now you’re stuck with those ways of being.

If you think the struggles in your life are because there is something fundamentally wrong with you as a person, and you’ve tried to change for the better, but failed, then this might be the right place for you.

You have probably tried many things to change and got some benefits from those efforts, but the underlying ‘wrongness’ feels remarkably stubborn. You may have even become resigned to having a life that is always going to be like this.

There may even be times when you feel like a desperate, lonely, or scared child on the inside, even though you look like an adult on the outside.

Just to add insult to injury, you may blame yourself for your suffering.

So, why do some people feel emotionally broken and why is it so hard for them to change?

I’m going to make the case that how you had to be to survive an unfriendly childhood and adolescence have become ‘baked in’, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

I invite you to try this little thought experiment to help you understand what may be causing your difficulties (and why they can be so hard to change).

I’d like you to imagine two babies.

The first baby is born into a warm, loving family.

This family provides all their baby’s physical and emotional needs, the child feels accepted and cared for. When they are distressed, their caregivers soothe them, when they are frighted their caregivers protect and comfort them. They feel seen and part of a secure emotional world.

Although this child’s family isn’t perfect, it’s good enough and the child feels safe, soothed, seen and secure as it grows into adulthood.

Growing up in a family like this they become resilient and capable adults, able to weather the stresses and challenges of life from a secure foundation in themselves.

Unfortunately, the second baby is born into a more difficult life.

Perhaps their family is struggling and can’t provide what the child needs. Perhaps their life is characterised by physical or emotional neglect, perhaps they are even abused. This child might not feel as accepted and cared for, when they are distressed they don’t feel protected or cared for, it may even be the caregivers who are causing the distress. They are not in a safe emotional environment, and at some level they know it.

In order to emotionally, or even physically survive, they have to adapt to their situation and make the most of what they have got, they don’t have a choice, they have to learn to cope.

This coping can take many forms: perhaps they try to keep everyone happy, or look after their parents, or hide from conflict, or suppress how they feel, and many other survival strategies.

When we are a child under a stressful, perhaps a traumatic situation, it is as if a small part of us ‘splits off’ to deal with it.

This small part of us, I call it a ‘younger self’, is a little capsule of all the feelings, thoughts, and behaviours, that occurred in that situation and what we did to cope. In similar situations in the future, this younger self responds to those kinds of situations going forward: which is why we sometimes feel as though a much younger version of ourselves is ‘driving the bus’.

Because these ways of coping are concerned with safety and survival, they are deeply wired into our psyche. Once adopted, they become the emotional bedrock of someone’s life, their default settings. These ‘younger selves’ are so deeply wired in that they continue long after the real danger has passed. For example: if a child learns to appease to survive, they may continue to appease others in their adult life, even if it is bad for them and they know it.

Growing up in a family like that may turn them into fragile and struggling adults, less able to cope with the stresses and challenges of life because of this insecure base. For them, it can be like trying to live in the world like a frightened child who is pretending to be an adult.

It is important to realise that none of this is their fault, it is a testament to people’s resilience that they can survive such unfavourable beginnings.

Most people grow up in families that are somewhere between these two extremes, even so, you don’t need to have been abused or neglected to have picked up unconscious patterns that no longer serve you.

How does this stuff show up in our lives?

In our adult lives our struggling younger selves can show up in many ways, including feeling worthless or powerless, people pleasing, feeling like you are not in charge of your emotional life, hating yourself, feeling unseen and unwanted, fear of speaking up, aversion to conflict, and so much more.

If you sometimes have the feeling that you are a struggling child in an adult suit, then you have felt the power of your younger self to take over and run parts of your life.

What are my options?

I have seen clients who have tried many ways to overcome these issues: self-help, meditation, therapy, hypnosis, and more. They may have got some symptomatic relief, but the underlying causes remain and cause trouble.

If you don’t address these deeply rooted causes, you will never change. You can make changes at the edges, but you will continue to think, feel and do what you have always done.

You don’t have to be a prisoner of everything you had to do, think and feel as you were growing up for the rest of your life.

How can I change the root causes?

To make these changes, you need to:

Identify those younger selves that are causing problems in your adult life
Soothe all the stress and distress that they are still carrying after all this time, dissolving the negative emotions that keep the problem in place.
Nurture those younger selves by giving them everything they needed at the time but didn’t have.
Integrate those split off parts of yourself to become a capable part of your adult self.

When you work with these parts / ‘younger selves’ in this way, deep and lasting change starts to occur.

If you address the causes in this way, you can finally grow out of them, becoming less conflicted, more resourceful, capable and kinder to yourself.

This approach is known as Identity Healing, a set of advanced techniques to help us soothe, resource and re-integrate those fragmented parts of ourselves that struggle, so that we can feel more whole.

What you need to do this kind of work

A competent Identity Healing practitioner. Using this approach needs a competent practitioner of the ‘Identity Healing’ techniques. You can find certified practitioners here.
The willingness to engage in the work. Unfortunately, there is no magic wand to change these deep-seated issues. You need to be willing to engage in the deep work that needs to be done to change.
A reasonably supportive living situation. This work can be emotionally taxing, it’s important that you have a relatively stable life with people who can support you.

My assumptions about my clients

Healing is possible. If you have had your problems for a long time, it might be difficult to imagine that you can change, but I know it’s possible to change for the better. Like the sculptor who knows the statue is hidden inside the rock, I know the change is hidden inside the problem.
Your emotional problems are the result of solutions to earlier problems. Your current problems are a testament to what you had to do to survive.
What seems to be the problem is often the route to deep healing. How your problems show up in your adult life are the signposts to what needs to change to resolve the problem.
Your problems are not your fault, even if you think they are. Your problems are the result of your solutions to situations you probably had no control over. You are not to blame for trying to survive.
There are no magical cures, deep change requires deep work. People are complicated, the tangled knots we find ourselves in take time and persistence to untangle. The work can be done, but it is work.

My commitments to my clients

To do my best to make sure we are likely to succeed. I will do everything I can to make sure we succeed. We start, by working out together if I am the right person to do this work with you. If not, I will try to point you to someone who is.
To work on what is important to you, You decide what needs to change, I’m here to work on what matters to you.
To do my best to keep you safe and comfortable, This kind of work can be challenging for the client. It’s my job to keep you as safe and as comfortable as I can while we do the work. (suffering is overrated).
To respect your defence (safety) mechanisms, people talk about resistance to change as a bad thing. Some practitioners may try to push you out of your comfort zone (for your own good, of course). I think your comfort zones / defence mechanisms are there to keep you safe because in the past you needed them. I aim not to try to push you too far or too fast, but to make it safe enough for you to move at a pace that is right for you.
To treat you as a person not a collection of problems. You are not a diagnosis or a walking set of problems, you are a person who is struggling with problems. I will treat you as a capable, competent person (even if you don’t always feel that way).
To treat you with compassionate professionalism. I will be kind and direct in my work with you.

If this resonates with you, you can book a free 30 minute (online) conversation with me where we can see if I can help you make the changes you want to make.